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[03 Oct 2008|06:46pm] |
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Some times I hate being so strong. Over my life I have been betrayed by everyone I trusted. By every one I ever heartfully told I love. But I never let it out. I have to be strong I have to stay strong. But now I have accepted the fact that I'm going to be a father. Something I never wanted, yet I am never involved in the decisions being made. Its always her sister or her father. I have been hurt somany times but never this bad. I've been on the verg of tears for days now. It feels like my heart was torn from my body. I have never felt this kind of pain. And still I can't do anything about it. I have told her so many times but she doesn't seem to care. And I'm trying my hardest to be able to provide for this girl and my soon child why! God I just want to die. I don't know what to do
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[26 Aug 2008|04:05pm] |
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last night, i sat on the roof and just stared at the sky for almost the whole night. i thought a lot about life and the people i have met. and my heart started to get heavier. i will never get that chance to get back the part of me that i lost a long time ago. what kept me strong when no one else was there. the part that made sure i would never back down from anything and take what ever came in my way with every ounce of my fighting heart. but its gone. i've gotten so much weakier. i am coughing up puddles of blood every day and i almost pass out constantly. i haven't told my girlfriend but i dont want her to know. i dont want my son to have the same weak father i had. the same man that couldn't fix himself. i prey that what ever is eating away at me will kill me. so i can stop with all the painful memories i dont want to remember. and the beautiful memories that hurt even worse. i dont want to remember this life. i dont have any will to make it through. none at all. i've never felt this lost. and this is the first time i will not ask for help
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[18 Aug 2008|12:15pm] |
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knowing that i a going to be a father has made me think a lot. i want to be able to give my child everything i never had. i want to give him a strong father that will be there for him no matter what! i mean this is my flesh and blood and i would die to make sure he was safe and provided for. so i talked to my fiancee and at 4pm i am going to sign up for active duty a go to war for real. i am kind of scared but i know if anything happens to me then they would take care of my new family. and that is who i am doing this for is them. i love them and i'm willing to put my life on the line for them.
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| news |
[27 Jul 2008|03:27pm] |
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I"M GUNNA BE A DADDY!
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[17 Jul 2008|07:45am] |
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Only about a week until I move
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| moving |
[07 Jul 2008|02:55pm] |
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well my arms all fucked up and hurts worse. and i',m moving in 3 weeks. finnaly no more distractions. i'm all set. finnally i can get away from all the fucked up people i've ever met.
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| a nervous wreck |
[10 Jun 2008|06:37pm] |
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well i went to my competition on the 7th and 5 minutes in i was rushed to the hospital i broke my arm in two places and suffered major head trauma. now i am going to have to go into surgery or i could loose all use of my left hand. i'm going crazy. i dont know what i'm going to do. i never thought this would happen. i dont know what to do. i am scared out of my mind. i'll keep every one informed as things go on.
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| shit |
[18 May 2008|03:07pm] |
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things are going pretty bad and i regret the day i ever came to this state in the first place so i'm moving. i'm going to save up and on my birthday i will leave. and there is no looking back. i am deleting my myspace, my e-mail accounts, and i am trying to convince a court to let me change my name. it finnaly became to much. to many fucking lies and betrayel! and now its gotten so bad i have to stay strapped or i'm dead. i finnaly recovered from getting my eye socket broke by brass knucles. i guess that is a plus. but i've tried and i cant do it. so if any one wants to say good bye let me know and i will come see you.
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| continue down |
[19 Mar 2008|12:12pm] |
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still no life in my vains. my head is so unfocused. im pushing my closets friends away and then.....who knows. i just dont know what to do. i know i have been saying that for years but i have always had some idea in my something to pull me through. but, not anymore. my music is heartless now. my writting is dull and poitless. and there is not one single person on this earth that i "love". it sucks when you learn your lessons the hard way. but then again it also makes you see the world for what it really is. and who people really are. NEVER TRUST ANYONE! well i am going to work. one more day in this pointless hell.
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| dying and falling |
[23 Feb 2008|12:40pm] |
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music |
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saosin- your not alone |
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i dont know whats wrong. nothing makes me smile anymore. not getting drunk or stoned, not being held by someone who cares about me. nothing! my music is losing its heart. does this mean my heart is finnaly dying? i just dont know what to do right now. for the first time in awhile i feel like a huge part of my life is missing. and i cant fill that gap. i just dont know what to do. and the girl of my dreams is so far away from me. and i cant tell her that i think about her every night. or that every time i see the sun set my heart still sinks. or the my heart is so far broken it hurts to feel rain on my skin. i just dont know. im lost. like ive been all my life. and im lifeless like ive been all my life.
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| stuck |
[05 Nov 2007|01:26am] |
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i can't get out. and i'm going to end up dead because of it. i guess everyone was right
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| i don't know what to do |
[15 Oct 2007|03:13am] |
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So today i drove from livermore to brentwood to drop jeff off at home and i cried the whole way home. i feel free, but i am miserable. I realized how badly my life has fall apart. i mean, i was hired to kill someone. i don't know what to do about that either. if i don't do it i am dead but if i do it then i spend the rest of my life in jail. but how long can i survive like this? constantly looking over my shoulder, jumping at every noise, and sleeping with a gun under my pillow. you are the first person to hear of all this. i've gone down a path that i can't look back on. i just wish they would just kill me already instead of playing these fucking mind games with me. and the worst part is i have to destroy everyone who loves/cares about me before the end. i can't let them hurt. Inspite of all that is going to happen i still find it so hard to walk away. i can't bring myself to do it. i have to follow through. if i am gunned down at least i held my word "death before dishonor" so this is it. i am 5 hours from the rest of my life. i love you all. And Amber, Congraulation on getting engaged. I hope things turn out well for you. and lucy, thank you for everything but i'm sorry i can't hold on anymore. time to get ready, here goes everything.
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| Loosing it |
[14 Sep 2007|03:02pm] |
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I got my self kicked out of the army and now i am running away. they haven't found me yet so i can't write on here after this and soon myspace to. I just can't take it any more. i will do anything to take back that promise! i want to forget! why did i promise i wouldn't! "i promise i will never stop loving you." in three weeks i will have my settlement. then i can pay amber the 1500 i told her i would give her when i got my settlement and every last person i have ever borrowed money from. And in three weeks i'm leaving. i don't know where i'm going yet but i've sold the last of everything i own and got my stuff down to ft into a back pack so i can back pack it easier. Maybe leaving will save me. This is the most miserable i have ever been. I scared. and i don't know what to do. I just wish all this would stop. "all because of you, i can never sleep and when i do i dream of, of drowning in the ocean,"
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| fucked up |
[12 Sep 2007|12:13am] |
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so i got kicked out of the army. shocker there. i can never do any thing right and now i am just waiting to go to jail. My life has hit the bottem and i don't think i;m strong enough to make it out. I'm loosing my self and i'm loosing my hope. I have to force my self to wake up in the morning i went a week with out eat i barely sleep anymore and god! am i loosing it? have i finnally snaped? I came so close to relapsing today. I just could bring myself to slide that razor accross my skin. I just sat there and cried. I don't know what i;m going to do.
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| disease |
[18 Aug 2007|10:29pm] |
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6 more days until i am gone and i've never been more afraid. and to add to it i am falling apart. to give you an example of how bad i am (if you know anything about me) i was in tears today just wanting my mom! i'm fucking broken. i can't even feel the air inside my lungs. I've never been more afraid than i am right now. i've never felt so empty. i'm trying so hard just to find some kind of meaning some place that i can just be safe and just for once actually have some one who i can trust. all i want is just one moment. one moment where i don't have to be scared. where i don't have to cry quietly so i don't wake my room mate. and just for one fucking time in my fucking just feel like i am with someone who realy loves me. i thought i was in love but it couldn't have been real. there was so much pain and god damn it i'm so afraid right now i have a handle of vodka in front of me and i just want to make it all stop. i've already drank a bottle of whisky but its just not helping no drug i've done or anything i've drank in the past month has helped make it stop i just want it to fucking end! i can't fucking take this god damn shit in more. please just make it stop. i don't care how or by who i'm begging anyone just please help and just make it stop. i can't take this anymore i am going to finish this bottle and prey i don't wake up if i do then i don;t know what will happen.
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| Friday |
[17 Aug 2007|10:34am] |
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i ship out next friday. i'm through trying and fighting for people. i;m dead to the point i cant even play music so now its my time to start fighting. i prey to the gods and goddess i don't come home. why would i? so i can see a bunch of fucking fake people who can only think about them selves. i mean some one important to me won't even tell me good bye or that they'll miss me. well FUCK YOU! all the shit i do for people and they cant even wish me a safe campain. i only have one regret. that regret is that i didn't commit suicide a long time. well friday is my chance. and i'm taking it. so this will probably be the last entry in this journal. f anyone has followed this journal then i thank you for sharing in my life with me. and good bye.
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| a wrong turn |
[12 Aug 2007|11:09am] |
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life has been going pretty good for once but, its empty. i've been partying so hard preparing to leave and the date is coming up. my ship out date is september 23rd. this is honestly the hardest and scariest decision i have ever made. its driving me insane not having someone to talk to. all i have heard since i enlisted was how FUCKING stupid i am and blah FUCKING BLAH! the last decision i could be making i could at least be supported by one fucking person! but off that rant. and now to be really serious. now that i have my ship out date and gun in hand i realize i might not come back. so there are some things that i have never told any one not even the one person i love. so here it goes, i was raped by two mormons when i was younger, my dad used to trade me when i was a kid to his friends for meth, my father murderd my older brother jake, every last person (not being emo) i have ever fucking trusted in my life has dropped me out, i still think about her. thats all i can manage now. well my room mates are gone so i'm going to finish my bottle and just drift away.
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| a month away |
[27 Jul 2007|03:28pm] |
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my body is really hurting from all the training but i am determined. i told almost everyone except my sister. it kinda sucks. i remember when i used to look at life and just see so much beauty. i could find good in everyone and i was happy. now i'm so cold that the only place for me is in a war with a gun. this is really messing me up in the head. i don't even want to think of what i'll be like after i have to kill a kid.
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| growing up is hard to do |
[26 Jul 2007|04:25pm] |
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music |
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never to late-three days grace |
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so last night i was sitting on the couch and desided no more stalling i am meeting with an army recruter today and i'm enlisting and shipping out. i need to ddo something good with my life. i mean, what do i have to show for the last 19 years? nothing. but its weird i know that i am about to sign up for something that i might not come back from but i'm so dead inside it doesn't matter. if i stay here all that is going to happen is i'm going to trust another person who will just kill me. and this is far from a cry session more of a self relization moment for myself. it is my mission to move on with my life. i will never let someone control me with fear or pain again! i would rather die trying to protect all the people who i love and all the people who walked all over me. well i have to go or i'm going to be late. so if i don't write in here again before i leave than goodbye and prey for me.
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| a new start |
[20 Jul 2007|12:01pm] |
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well me and amber are over and i have never felt better. and i can't believe i thought i loved such an ugly person. well its through and i will be in a better happier place soon. things have been great i am hanging out with my friends and i don't have to go home to some stupid psycho cunt! (or as i call her mini sherry) haha! well i am on my way to go surf for the day then kick it with everyone tonight
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brokenspirt's journal