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The Years I've Wasted.......... [entries|friends|calendar]

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socal [11 Apr 2015|01:55am]
I known this is probably going to cause me problems but im going to break soon. I want to believe everything is how it appears, that she actually loves me and actually wants to marry me. Or am i just blindly doing anything she wants in hopes that this time its good enough. Im sitting in a hotel room in so cal trying to get my head straight so i start looking at her facebook pictures so i can feel happy. Then its "im getting married" this and them kissing and her being held and theres so much of it. Yet im in a secret marriage with a secret engagement if that makes any sense. But hell even when she said yes the first time indont think anyone knew then either. Am i just being used as a means of revenge? Rebellion? An attempt at some kind of redemption? What is it. My anger and defenses are only this high when there is something not as it seems or straight forward. Im trying everything i can to be everything she wants just like i always have. I know im not much of anything but doesnt just complete sacrafice mean anytHing? Im just breaking and just dancimg on the edge. And no one realizises it! Some how! And i cant even say anything to her or she will feel that im trying to erase him from her life or some bull shit. No i just want to actually feel thaf in every way you are mine. I knowbthats selfish but i cant help it. Its all i ever wanted from you. Thats it! I should just dove off this balcony. Makes this horrible horrible pain just stop.
1 Fan| Are You A Rockstar?

[01 Jul 2015|10:41am]
I just want to fucking scream. All I do is fucking ruin people. This is why I don't fucking talk to people or go around people or anything. I need to just be fucking locked up. And I can't actually vent to this anymore because it's watched. I need this to be up and taking care of everyone so I can commit myself. It's the only thing I can do
Are You A Rockstar?

[05 Jun 2015|06:43pm]
These memories are going to kill me. They never stop. I've already lived through fucking all of it. I accept the suffering will never stop but why does it have to be like this. A doctor told me after telling her some of the stuff that happened to me "that's enough suffering for your life." Is what she said to me. Some people all they are allowed to have is suffering. I don't care if I'm used or hurt or broken down or anything. As long as others fell better and are ok. It's ok. It's better than the lies or betrayel. I never thought when I was a kid that this is what life held for me. I remember having so many dreams of making the world better or really helping people or making some kind of a good difference. I wish I could still be that dreamy kid. They were what kept me around and hopeful now I stay because people aren't done with me. Some day I can be done too, I hope.
Are You A Rockstar?

[19 May 2015|09:17am]
Sitting, spinning, I want to pull my hair out and scream. I fucking hate this. Tho, it'll never stop and I've accepted this just wish it didn't hurt so much.
Are You A Rockstar?

[15 May 2015|01:13am]
I just want to scream
Are You A Rockstar?

[11 May 2015|10:02am]
It's official if want her I can't be myself. I should have tried to be me. I know how that goes
Are You A Rockstar?

[11 May 2015|01:52am]
I fucking hate this. I'm loosing this battle. And now I've hurt the only person I've ever loved. Every day this gets harder. But I see all the doubt every time she looks at me. I knew I would fuck this up again. I always do. At least I got to hold her one more time. I don't know what to fucking do. She thinks I do things or say thongs just to hurt her. I've been in constant pain for the past 8 years. I don't want to fucking hurt you. Quit listening to your god an exs. If they were so right then why the fuck am I standing here. I can't do this. I can't help anyone I can't even help myself. I don't know what to do I have no one I can actually talk to or ask for help. I hate myself and I hate this life I've created. It was a mistake for me to listen. It was an even bigger mistake for me to listen to my heart. I've already lost her and every day is a fight just to keep her. But I already know I've lost her p
Are You A Rockstar?

fuck [29 Apr 2015|03:17am]
Im sitting here spinning worse than i ever had. all i caan think about is offing myself. i dont know what to fucking do. And even worse im spinning on amber. this is what is killing me, even tho i know she will see this and have a long talk with, she says she loves me and always has always thought of me and so on. But the one thing that stings is that if he would have treated her right she would still be married to him. I think it was "even tho we cant be together ill always love you to a fault." Its fucking haunting. Over and over and over. Why now? Is it cuz she got miss treated? So settle for the fucked up kid that has always worshipped you? He wont do anything so its safe. I love her and i always have. There was never a "fault". Yes i was scared to kiving death and hurt and angry but i still loved her with all my soul. So much i made it abundantly clear that every one was number 2 to her. And if she truly wanted me back i would run as fast as i could before she changed her Mind. I dont know how to mak3 it stop. And im starting to scare myself because once i get to a point ill snap and probably just kill myself. Im not looking for attention but i have no one 5hat i trust 100%. I never have for good reason. Im so lost and hurting so bad i just want it to stoP. I dont want to be fucked up o dont want to fucking lose her again. I cant.
Are You A Rockstar?

[09 Nov 2014|12:06am]
All I can do is lay here and hold your shirt. That's the closet I can ever come to you again. This is the worst pain I've ever felt in my life. All I wanted was you but , tho you say it's not, I'm still not good enough. I give up. I'm sorry. Baby I loved you more than anything and would have done anything for you in a heart beat. Guess I deserve this. At least I have my gun. Figure once every leaves for a week I'm going to take a hike. I will love you until the last breathe leaves my lungs. I'm sorry baby. I'm sorry
Are You A Rockstar?

[07 Nov 2014|07:28pm]
I can't believe I have to feel this again. This has always been the worst pain I've ever known and one one person could ever hurt me this bad. And I know she's going to read this but I don't care anymore. "I let myself fall into a lie, I let walls come down" funny how long that song has been true. Well I'm not making this mistake ever again. I honestly doubt I'll make it through the night. I had a home, my son and dog, a girl I've been madly in love with my whole life, and now I'm homless, never going to be allowed to see my son again, have to give up my dog, and I literally have nothing left in me to fight. I've said that before but this time something is different. I always held that hope and I kept praying I'd get her back. I really wish I didn't send that text in chicago. At least her husband is coming home and they can get back to their life. And me.... I'll get what I knew I would only ever get
Are You A Rockstar?

[21 Oct 2014|10:24pm]

I'm fucking losing it. all I can see is blood and dead ends. my mind is fucking killing me and it won't let me be. no one ever believes me. guess they're right, I'm fake and fucking evil. all I'll do is let you down, I swear

1 Fan| Are You A Rockstar?

[08 Jul 2014|05:01pm]
Lost my son. What else do I have anymore?? Guess I'll just keep drowning myself. Never really thought it would all end like this, looks like I was wrong. I'm sorry
1 Fan| Are You A Rockstar?

The last song [27 Apr 2014|11:18am]
Well I think this is going to be my last post in here. After more than a decade things just get worse. I'm sick of people pitying me or feeling sorry for me. I get it I'm fucked in the head, severely. I'm never going to have a "normal" relationship or actually friends for that matter. They keep me around just to do stuff for them. And yet it's never good enough. I have my plan and I'm following thru at the end of the year. Ever since I was a kid I ended up almost dying around Christmas might as well make that the last day. It's been a wild journey and I cherish so many things but I know it's not going to get better so I'm going to make it better. I know I'm a bad person but at least I an do this one good thing for everyone. Sorry for taking up any of your lives. And I want nothing more than to know you are all ok. I will miss you all. More than you could ever imagine.
Are You A Rockstar?

[15 Apr 2014|02:10pm]
Funny how am still here. Over 100 pills and a bottle and I woke up on time to go to work. The fuck is wrong with me!!! Soon as she takes hunter away I'm just gunna blow my fucking head off. Why the fuck would I stay here?? So I can go back to having nothing and no one??? I get it I'm never going to be happy!! But why the fuck do I have to be broken down so bad. Why can't for once things just be simple. Guess this is what I get for being a piece of shit my whole life. I had gained so much fucking hope for what!!! At least when I was young I had no hope and knew things would never get better. Looks like jokes on me
Are You A Rockstar?

[07 Apr 2014|07:56pm]
I was polishing my rifle last night, would have been so easy. I'm loosing my fucking mind. I'm actually becoming more angry and vengeful. Every one likes to make me out to be this piece of shit. I could prove you right!! I can't take out what you all do to me to all of you. How about that??? Make you all feel this way. Or maybe I can just go away and not deal with any of it. So many choices. I'm sorry hunter.
Are You A Rockstar?

[24 Mar 2014|06:51am]
Not really sure why I write here. I don't want help, I don't want to be fucking saved by fake fucking people, and I hate this fucking world. Y the fuck have I tried to make something of myself. To make someone proud of me??? To get someone back??? I'm finally waking up. Fuck all of this shit. Fuck everyone. Fuck everything!!! And this time I'm not gunna be a door may. I have always brushed off everything. Every hurt feeling every time I've been betrayed. But I'm still the ass hole. Just like with every situation I'm the piece of shit. This is normally where I would out "good job world you broke down an orphan!" But I don't care. I'm not broken down I'm giving up. On everything. This is a fucking joke. And I'm not fucking laughing. I guess one can only get betrayed so man times before he sees what's right in front of him.
Are You A Rockstar?

[07 Mar 2014|09:32am]
I've grown to have so much hatred in my heart. And it's pathetic that I constantly fake happiness. Every day just another production to fool everyone. But I'm tired. I really don't have much of anything. I am barely allowed to see my son and with his mom and her friend constantly talking about what a piece of shit I am it's only a matter of time until he thinks so too. And it's funny even after all the bull shit I am the one paying to drive her ass to los banos for court, sleeping in my truck so the hotel room is hers, and paying for the ticket. Also her mom finally helped me find insurence for hunter and apparently his mom and now I have to pay like 400 a month so they both are covered. Paying for a storage for her so she will not be forced to throw away her dead fathers belongings. I'm a real piece of shit. Might as well corrupt the one person in this world I have nothing but unconditional love for. It's only a matter of time. Nothing I'll ever do will be good enough. So I might as well just stop.
Are You A Rockstar?

[27 Jan 2014|07:00am]
It's funny. I always think it's something different but all it is is the same person and same shit. I'm fucking done with this game. Fuck you all. My eyes are wide open now and I'm not falling for this bull shit game anymore
Are You A Rockstar?

[25 Jan 2014|07:34pm]
I'm sick of every one and everything. And now I can't keep either one of my dogs. I've put myself through hell for over a year just so I can keep my best friends and now bitch is taking my boy dog. The girl already has problems I can't put her through that much loneliness. It's breaking my heart. Barely get to speak to or see my son and now loosing both my dogs. I'm done with everyone. I'm not dealing with things I love leaving me. Done
Are You A Rockstar?

[07 Dec 2013|05:55am]
I'm loosing my mind. I can barely convince myself to get up everyday. Well time for work let's see if I break myself down.
Are You A Rockstar?

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